Back From Away

A woman was at her hair dresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'

'We're taking Continental,' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'

'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. 'That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?'

'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste.'

'Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'

'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.'

'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $ 5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'

'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.'

'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.'

'Oh, really! What'd he say ?'

He said: 'Where'd you get the rubbish Hairdo?

The address to the haggis!

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or

illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to

the next patient,

who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and

asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor,

"This is the serious Burns unit."

A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at
school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him
why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and
I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for
my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very
upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very
sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked
down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to
see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He
slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat
down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
F*%#ING BIKE!!!